So, this is what I have written down to either read out to or give to my GP tomorrow, presuming I can see him.
We both know the current government’s attitude is that sick and disabled people should be in work. With the support of my employer, I have so far managed to stay in employment for 8 months, although given my non-attendance at work yesterday, this may not the case. Anyway… if the government expects people who have disabilities to stay in work, then it follows, surely, that the NHS should support them in staying in work.
Right now I feel that I am teetering on the edge, for the last month, I do not think I have really experienced much happiness, I have realistically just existed. At several points I have contemplated suicide or had suicidal ideation, including throwing myself in front of a train.
I feel that at this point, my main issues revolve around the following:
Giving up: As we both know, there have been many opportunities over the past 3 years (and further back than that), which I have squandered. Then when things become too difficult, or it feels like there is no way out, I have resorted too quickly to suicidal thinking.
Anger: over the last few months, I have become more and more affected by anger and frustration. Perhaps the majority of this has come from the continued attitudes of the current government and the effects of their policies on my more disabled friends. I have also had some periods of heighted emotion (e.g. sadness) which may be related to this. Often when watching films or TV, tears come to my eyes and I feel very sad, even though I know it’s not real.
I am also frustrated by my loneliness and inability to find a suitable sexual partner. I have perused any woman who has shown interest in me online and then unfortunately taken things too quickly, resulting in loss of friendship and further frustration.
I have failed to pay more than a casual level of attention to my diabetes and other health issues. Although this may be down to the tiredness which I often feel when I am working, changing my pump set when it runs out is about the level of care of myself I have been taking. I have not brushed my teeth in quite some time; I pay no attention to the content of my food, despite the fact that I experience diarrhoea often, probably due to the fact content and my body’s inability to digest it. The physical flaws of my body just add to my frustration.
Since being taken on by Addaction and my salary increased to £33,333 I have all support from benefits taken away from me. I had been receiving £760/month from Housing Benefit and £400/month from Tax Credits on top of £290 DLA and between £1100 and £1300 Salary for a total of around £2500 per month, minus £1035 rent and £350 bills = £1,115 to deduct food, travel and entertainment from. Now I have an income of £2280 minus £1035 rent and £350 bills = £895. Except because of my absence from work during August I was paid £1400 and had to borrow £600 from my Dad to cover a £480 pay day loan, pay rent, bills and exist. I am not doing very well at present in this respect, because I do not cope very well when I realise that I do not have much money to cover my possible expenses. I also have to pay my Dad back quite a lot of money.
I had hoped that with my extra cash, I could try to further my life – pass IT certifications and learn to drive. These goals now seem further and further out of reach and I feel angry at those who seem to flaunt money in a way that I can only dream of.
I do not know if the issues that I have tried to explain here are mental health problems related to or an extension of Autism and/or related to ADHD. But I know that these aspects of my personality need to be changed or I will find myself destitute, homeless and suicidal once again.